oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
