i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
