she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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