im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
