Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
