Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
