chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
