I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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