how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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