JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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