When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
