So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
