Your face is a jimmy john
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
