i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
