No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
