Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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