she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
