I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
