4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
