so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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