Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
