You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
