I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
