I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
