I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
