You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
