u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
