My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
