watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
