we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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