He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
