I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
