I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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