y did u give ur computer a hand job?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
