He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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