i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
