Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
