did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
