No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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