so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
