moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
