Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
