Your mouth is God's brothel.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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