I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
