If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
