Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I think I won the penis lottery.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
