The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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