It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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