1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
