I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
