So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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