I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
