Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
