Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
