im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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